


There is No You

by hyuckiesboy (Theoo)



Category: NCT (Band), NCT 127 - Fandom, NCT Dream
Genre: Angst, Drabble, Gen, Heavy Angst, I love them both, I'm sorry Mark, M/M, Open to Interpretation, Toxic Relationship, Unhealthy Relationships, Vent Work, and donghyuck, lapslock, yikes?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-29
Updated: 2019-05-30
Packaged: 2020-03-07 11:35:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18872398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Theoo/pseuds/hyuckiesboy
Summary: mark doesn’t understand him. he thinks he never will. he thinks maybe some people aren’t meant to be understood. donghyuck is an enigma and he hates him for it but with every inch of his body does he love him. even now, all he can think of is how beautiful he looks with tear stained cheeks and wide, confused eyes.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> soooo i was in the mood for some serious angst and wrote this. 
> 
> songs i think fit the mood:  
> postcard by troye sivan  
> ending scene by iu
> 
> i really like writing angst i'm sorry-

“can you kiss me?” donghyuck says meekly. he’s looking down at the floor. he can’t even look him in the eyes. he knows. hyuck knows what he’s asking and yet he asks anyways. he demands something from mark again. “like when we were kids?”

mark thinks back to all the time they spent in the woods as little kids. he thinks back to rolling in fields of wildflowers together and donghyuck throwing rocks at him and picking out shapes in the clouds. the memories are hazy in his mind, but he remembers what donghyuck is talking about vividly. they would act out scenes from their favorite movies. hyuck was always in need of saving and mark would be there with a light kiss on the lips to save him. mark would give him pecks on the cheek, looking around with a giggle to make sure no one saw. hyuck would never kiss him back.

he thinks back even further. he thinks of all the times he did what donghyuck wanted without protesting. he would blindly follow him to the creek deep in the woods despite the warnings from his mother. he would sit on the sidelines and watch as all of the other neighborhood boys played together because hyuck said he wasn’t good enough to join.

mark never thought of leaving. he didn’t think he could. who would he go to? donghyuck never wanted him back but he never let mark want anyone else. still, even now, after he’s finally, finally realized that, he can’t deny hyuck anything. from the start, he never stood a chance.

donghyuck cries as mark kisses him. his tears fall on the front of his shirt and his body shakes. the kiss is gentle and for once mark dreams of something more. he dreams of kissing donghyuck likes he  _wants_ to. he wants to touch him and kiss him harder. 

mark doesn’t understand him. he thinks he never will. he thinks maybe some people aren’t meant to be understood. donghyuck is an enigma and he hates him for it but with every inch of his body does he love him. even now, all he can think of is how beautiful he looks with tear stained cheeks and wide eyes.

“you- you _bastard_ ,” he says. he doesn’t know why. he doesn’t truly believe it but he needs to say something to distract the sick feeling in his stomach. 

"what?" donghyuck says. he looks confused. his lips tremble and mark wants to kiss the scared expression off his face. he doesn't. instead he rubs at his face. "mark?"

"I love you," mark admits with a shrug. "ever since i first saw you. you're the boy next door. our windows face each other," he laughs bitterly, "how am i not supposed to fall in love?"

"i'm sorry- mark, i'm  _sorry_."

thing is, mark doesn't know if donghyuck is sorry. he wants to say that he forgives him but he's so tired. chasing after him is exhausting. every time mark thinks he has a chance hyuck dances out of his grasp. he's fallen in love with a boy who can never stay still. maybe it's time he stopped running. maybe he needs a chance to breathe.

"leave, hyuck."

mark can see his fists clench. the look on his face reminds him of little donghyuck when he would throw tantrums. even when he was in the wrong, mark would defend him because he couldn't stand seeing his best friend look like a kicked puppy.surprisingly, hyuck listens and clambers out of the window in a daze. the streetlamps from outside turn his gold skin amber and his tears glint in the light. as soon as he's gone, he finds himself stumbling over to the window. he slumps down against the wall. he cries till his head throbs and each beat of his heart makes his bones ache. a part of him wishes donghyuck would change his mind.

something tells mark he's crying underneath the window, same as him. he wonders if the other feels the same twinges of shame. most of all, he wonders if he'll come back to donghyuck. the same way some people are meant to never be understood, some people are meant for each other and there is no mark without donghyuck. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> more of this huh :') this is a prequel to the first chapter. sorry if the order is confusing, this hit me after chapter one was published.
> 
>  
> 
> i was really angry while i wrote this second chapter so if it seems angry.... that's why

mark likes donghyuck very much. and despite everything, he knows he likes him too. he has to. because hyuck always has his back, is always there to catch him when he falls too hard. he never turns mark away.

except he _does_. donghyuck is a mess of contradictions. he calls mark boring and a crybaby but then he laughs with his whole body, glowing from the inside out like the sun itself is inside him. it's okay that donghyuck thinks he's stupid. often times, he agrees. mark works hard to appear satisfactory. he wants to be able to stand up on his own two feet. and mark appreciates it a lot, how he sticks around despite his stupidity but it must be tiring dealing with him all the time.

he hates it, because it feels like donghyuck is always looking down on him. he doesn't want to be seen as the weak little boy hyuck thinks he is. he wants to prove that he can be someone donghyuck can be proud of. mark wants to become someone for him. anything but the fool he is deep down. mark needs donghyuck to _need_ him - to validate him and say _hyung, you did well_.

mark likes donghyuck. it's easy to fall for him. he's beautiful - somehow makes breathing look ethereal. mark is just himself. simple and useless and ugly. mark resents everything he is and everything he has become. he breathes. presses down on his chest, circles his arms around himself until his throat strains. it's unfair to be in love with lee donghyuck. _i love you_ he wants to scream until his lungs bleed, until there is nothing left. what he wants means nothing. the world is done with him.

mark wants to give himself away. every inch of skin, every fiber of his flawed being should belong to donghyuck. it's all he has - himself.

in the dark of hyuck's room, they cuddle together on his bed. donghyuck is like a candle in the night. he's warm and blindingly brilliant despite all the darkness. it turns to twilight. he fills up the cold, empty space and mark feels at ease and tense at the same time. hyuck does that to him - makes the tips of fingers turn ice cold and his chest bloom with heat.

in the emptiness, mark whispers, "sometimes i want to disappear."

"i want to too, sometimes."

mark falters. because no matter what, his struggle has to be watered down because _i go through that too_. to put it into other words, _he's not special_. in the end, it all comes back to donghyuck, and sometimes he wishes it would end up somewhere else. but another part him begs him to not leave. he has nothing but donghyuck. he _can't_ leave, even if it hurts. mark is torn between wanting to be him, wanting to devour him, and wishing he never existed.

they don't say anything else. there are no reassuring words. donghyuck has nothing to say to him, nothing to give him. maybe, in another world, he'd pull mark close and kiss him everywhere he could and list down everything he is. _you're amazing_ , he'd say. he tries to imagine the hyuck he knows speaking those words it just sounds cruel - mocking. mark doesn't like it. he'd rather have this, whatever _this_ is. as close as he can get. as close as he can get.

mark is sinking - falling into the ocean that is donghyuck. his lungs ache. the water glimmers around him and in a haze he sees crows circling just above the surface of the water. he drowns. his skin crawls. it feels like home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have like.... three other fics in the work and instead i wrote this. my brain is all over the place and i write every idea i get down so i don't forget it and then it becomes a mess of different projects. author is a spazz.
> 
> EDIT: happy birthday Hyuck, you'll always be my sunshine. thank you so much for making me laugh.


End file.
